A Model for Relational Maturity
How a Therapist conceptualizes how to help you
For you conceptual readers, here is a model, in a very simplified nutshell, that I use when helping couples learn to relate, connect and love better.
How I developed it?
As a Couples Therapist, many come to me stuck in conflict or having difficulty connecting deeply with their partners. They come to me looking for a way forward.
I found myself assessing their relational functioning from three angles and saw that, when I fostered their growth in each, they achieved much deeper connection both to themselves individually and to one another.
Now, I bring them into this process right at the outset. We put our minds together, with them knowing their situation and willingness to grow, and my offering relevant clinical knowledge and encouragement.
This model for Relational Maturity has the couple examine the issues from three different angles, angles that I call “Self”, “Other” and “Us”.
Self: This refers to the degree to which someone has that solid inner foundation, how well they know themselves and how connected they are to themselves. Related to it are core features of emotional intelligence: self-awareness and self-regulation skills.
Reflect on how well you know and support yourself, the degree to which you can regulate your mood, and how that impacts the relationship.
Other: This refers to the degree to which someone can put their partner at ease, seeks to understand and offers support and care. Related skills: asking exploratory questions and demonstrating empathy and support.
Reflect on how curious and caring you are about your partner and how you show that.
Us: This refers to the relational dynamic or the interplay between the two. It includes the degree to which the couple can interrupt negative dynamics and instead use relational skills that foster a more positive relational dynamic. It also includes the degree to which the couple values the relationship and holds it in mind when competing self-referential forces are at play.
Reflect on the relational dance you play when you are at your most connected and at your least. This is the “when she does _____, I feel ______ and do _____, and then she feels _____ and does ______”.
If all of what I just wrote sounds like gibberish, do not fret.
My hope with this Substack is to tell stories that illustrate how to become relationally sophisticated. No one story will capture this model in itself. Rather, collectively it will convey the components of relating well, deeply and maturely.
We are all works in progress, continuously evolving.
Knowing the Self and being able to love well may be two of life’s most meaningful undertakings. My hope is that these essays provide thought for how to do them well.
If you have a specific relationship question, you can email me, and I may include it, anonymously if preferred, with my response in a post.