How Do You Do Conflict?
Insights from Couples Therapy with Playful Exercises to Better Understand your Conflict Style
A few weeks ago, I had a bit of Curb Your Enthusiasm moment on a flight. The passenger two seats over was blasting a movie on his phone, no earphones in sight. Mind you, it wasn’t some light romantic comedy, but rather a violent thriller sprinkled with some intense sex scenes. Needless to say, this wasn’t the serene soundscape I had hoped for.
In that moment, I had a choice: say something or stay silent. Would speaking up make things better… or worse? (I considered telling the flight attendant, but my stubborn reflex has always been to fight my own battles).
As a Couples Therapist, I’m often observing how Couples approach conflict—whether it’s about a life-altering decision, like moving across country, or something far more trivial, like creamy versus crunchy peanut butter. The way couples navigate disagreements and whether they lead to more connection or more distance—says a lot about the quality and potential of their relationship.
It may seem counterintuitive, but conflict can actually be a gateway to relational growth and deeper trust. Believe me- I see it all the time as a Couples Therapist: couples become closer when they figure out how to move through conflict well.
Take Alex and Paul*. Paul had been quietly stewing over the time and financial toll of their ongoing home remodel. From his perspective, Alex’s lack of financial foresight and disorganized approach had left them living in a half-finished house—and facing a year-end budget deep in the red. After initially avoiding the conversation, Paul chose to speak up. He addressed Alex directly but respectfully: “This remodel is turning our lives upside down. We need to get a handle on it. I can’t focus on work with contractors coming in unannounced, pounding on walls, and billing us twice what they estimated.”
Alex listened. He took responsibility, reprioritized the remodel, and saw it through to completion. In doing so, he demonstrated not only that he cared about Paul’s experience but also that he could be counted on. Their relationship grew stronger as a result.
So what is the key to moving through conflict well? What I tend to look for in couples is:
How clearly each person knows and articulates their perspective.
How well they listen to and elicit the other’s input.
How flexible they are—and whether yielding creates resentment or mutual progress.
Three common conflict styles I often see:
Conflict Avoidant
Hostile & Escalated
Productive & Relationally Mature
Going back to my airplane moment, I initially felt conflict avoidant— after all, this guy might become unhinged, and which was worse- tolerating the sounds of guns blazing and soft porn or having to deal with an irate crazy guy for the remainder of the flight?
It can be easier to lean into conflict when you trust the other person will meet it with sanity.
But, I nevertheless decided to put my Couples Therapy lessons to the test: I directly and kindly let him know that I found the volume disruptive.
His response? “I don’t have my earphones, but I’ll turn it down a notch”. The notch didn’t help much… but still, I felt satisfied that I had tried (and relieved that I didn’t get my head bitten off). In that moment, my conflict style with this complete stranger was a mix: avoidant by instinct and somewhat productive by intention.
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Take a moment to reflect on how you and your partner typically approach conflict. (Spoiler: your style might shift depending on the topic, the day, or your mood. Also, you may each approach conflict differently, which can be helpful, frustrating or both).
In Couples Therapy, there is often plenty of “real material” to draw on to assess conflict styles. However, some couples benefit from engaging in mock conflict activities— they can feel lighter and therefore help couples maintain distance from hot-button issues and focus on how they fight rather than what they fight about.
If reflecting on current or past conflicts does not feel right right now, here are three mock conflict exercises that you can try instead. Warning: while these may feel playful or be illuminating, they can also stir things up—so proceed with care and self-awareness.
My intent is to provide you with a window into Couples Therapy— granting you the opportunity to cull whichever insights you find helpful. Of course, some conflict may be easier addressed with the help of a skilled Couples Therapist.
Activity #1: The Packing Challenge
You and your partner win an adventure airline pass! Every 5 days, you’ll be flown to a surprise destination on the continent of your choosing—for a full month.
Step 1: Each of you individually choose the continent and make a list of 15 personal items to bring. (Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss = one item; same with grouped make-up. But extras like condoms or massage oil? Count separately.) Each of you take a few minutes to pick your destination continent and your packing list. It may be helpful to write it down.
Step 2: Plot twist! Now you can only bring 15 items total between the two of you, instead of 30. Choose a continent together and collaborate to create a combined list. Take 5 minutes to discuss where you will go and your combined list.
Done? Next, reflect on your process. Consider:
Self-Awareness
Could you identify your continent of choice and true “must-haves”?
Were you able to clearly express what mattered to you?
Partner Awareness
How well did you listen to your partner’s wants?
How important was it to accommodate them?
Would your partner feel that you listened to them well?
Relational Dynamics
Who yielded? Who stood firm? And why?
What emotions arose—annoyance, playfulness, curiosity, frustration?
Did conflict escalate, get brushed under the rug, or move toward resolution?
This activity may also speak to how you relate to adventure and materialism.
You can repeat this exercise over different topics. This controls for one person being an “expert” in any particular area and uncover whether there are generalized relational patterns in addressing conflict.
Here are additional mock exercises. Trying all of them might be a bit much, but just reading the exercises may allow you to ponder the concepts in more depth.
Activity #2: The Investment Dilemma
You each win $50,000 to invest with full freedom for 3 years—after that, you can spend it however you like.
Step 1: Each of you separately outline your ideal investment plan for your own $50,000. Again, you may benefit from writing it down.
Step 2: Surprise—there’s only $50,000 total. Now decide together how to invest it. Give yourself 10 minutes to discuss your investment plan.
Again reflect on your process. You can adapt the questions in the first activity to this topic. Note that this activity may unveil underlying feelings about both finances and economic status- individually and in partnership- a common topic in Couples Therapy.
Activity #3: Fantasy Time Travel
You get to travel either back in time or into a fully imagined world.
Step 1: Design your dream destination—then describe it to your partner in detail.
Step 2: As a pair, decide whose world you’ll visit. (You can only choose one.)
Set a 5-minute timer to discuss and decide. After, reflect on how the decision unfolds.
You may pay special attention to how curious you were about your partner’s dream destination, how you demonstrated that curiosity and your partner’s response to your curiosity.
When John asked Maribel what she finds enticing about time travel back to the 1990s, he discovers her desire for a cell phone free world— a simpler life— where she could smoke cigarettes and stay out all night without worry— a younger and more invincible self. His exploratory questions illuminated the underlying struggles Maribel was wrestling with: It let him understand her inner world, and it made Maribel want to share.
Often, when each person understands the deeper meaning behind the other’s perspective, the tone shifts— There is more kindness, less criticism and more flexibility.
Exploratory Questions + Listening to the Understory = Softening of Conflict & Deeper Connection
Final Reflection
Ask yourself:
Do I know what I want during conflict—or do I struggle to identify it?
How well does each of us articulate our perspective?
How adept am I at understanding how and why my partner feels the way they do?
What emotional state do we fall into when conflict arises—shutdown, tension, curiosity, collaboration?
Am I flexible, curious and open to growth in these moments?
Ultimately, do you tend to avoid, escalate, or work through conflict?
Curb Your Enthusiasm No More
Back to that flight: As the plane descended into LAX, the man reached across the middle seat and asked me if I would video the landing. As we conversed- entirely in Spanish- he explained enthusiastically that he recently obtained his travel Visa for the first time and was eager to show his family in Panama what Los Angeles looked like from the sky.
It was an unexpected character twist. Initially, my instinct told me there was something about him that I couldn’t read. But, it wasn’t that he was rude or erratic— rather he seemed a tad aloof, unfamiliar with travel norms, and maybe he just didn’t own ear pods. So, here again, approaching conflict led to discovering a different perspective.
I’m curious about your reactions, reflections or further questions that arose from this post. Please comment here or in the chat!
Nice article and good reminders.